UFC 88 (Drinking Beer Review)

Posted by Mickulz

September 6, 2008

Ok, before I even start this report..I want to point out that I am not an MMA writer, and I am not looking to be one. I am also NOT going to keep my ass up to 2 am, to see the “un-aired” undercard. So what you get is what you get…Oh yeah..I am 7 beers in to it…

Ok..Beer in hand, baby in swing, and we are ready to start…

Match #1: Matt Brown vs Dong-Hyun Kim

Wow, playing to the Hillbillie crowd is Matt Brown, coming out to Devil Went Down to Georgia. Matt Brown was the one who was obsessed with his “chew” when he was on TUF. I wonder who the Atlanta Georgia crowd will go for…Matt “Don’t call me yankee” Brown, or the South Korean….Yeah right.

Side note: Why the hell do they need so much Vaseline on their face before a fight?

Side note #2: Who much do you think Bruce Buffer gets paid to over-exaggerate names over a sound system?

Ok, Mario Yamisaki is the ref and ready to go.

Round #1: Wow, somone got the shit kicked out of them in the ealier (non-PPV) fights. There is blood all over the mat. “Oh wow…There is a Koren on my back” says Matt Brown. It is like a spider Korean. I can not tell where Dong-Hyun Kim ends and Matt Brown begins. He is haning all ovger him (pretty sure this is position #23 in the Karma Sutra). I think I would eat a big ass onion before I fought. They are like lip to lip. There is some serious crotch “enhancements” on Dong-Hyun Kim shorts (which are about as long as a high school cheerleaders). I think he is smuggling pears in from South Korean via his crotch. Spider Korean fell when trying another wrap up and Matt Brown lands on him and goes for a choke (that is a technical MMA term by the way). Round 1 is over. It is a 4 out of five on the homo-erotic scale (if you are in to that). I give the round to the Koren Spider Monkey (yes, I am naming him) Dong-Hyun Kim.

Round #2: Couple of kicks by both. Dong-Hyun Kim falls after a weak ass knee. I am not sure, but I think Matt Brown is going for the Figure Four Leg Lock to finish it (via Ric Flair). Oh Dong-Hyun Kim is gasses. He is looking like it is nap time. He is on his back a lot, and Matt Brown is just waiting to beat him or make out with him. Not too sure. BLOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Dong-Hyun Kim is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of stalling now. Some crotch to face action, with Matt Brown being the giver. Round ends with Matt Brown landing some elbows and hammer fists. I give the round to Matt Brown..UH OH..Could be a judges split decision.

Round #3: I bet Mike Goldberg starts by saying “Here we go! 3rd and final round!”..Hot ring chicksl OHHH Mike said it. Ok here we go..Lots of ring dancing. Wow, you are a propfessional figher and you forget your mouth piece. Way to go Matt Brown. Joe Rogan has his typical UFC’ Oclock shadow. Superman punch misses. Dong-Hyun Kim takes him down..and Side control. If I was Dong-Hyun Kim I would rethink my choice of white booty shorts to fight in. By the way..I am not typing Dong-Hyun Kim everything. I took the easy way and did the cut and paste. OK, both fighters are gassed and pretty much not doing anything but trying to not get knocked out. Oh see..7th grade does matter. Matt Brown blocked a takedown using the gold ol’ wizzar (is that how you even spell it?). Eh, bunch or rolling around with Dong-Hyun Kim on top. Hello Matt Brows face, meet Dong-Hyun Kim elbow. Oh yeah..Bleeding like a cut pig now, Matt Brown is..Round over. I give the round to Dong-Hyun Kim (barely). So..I guess is my basic math is right 2-1 for Dong-Hyun Kim, so I am sure the judges will vote the other way.

And the winner is:Dong-Hyun Kim by split decision. (29-28 Dong-Hyun Kim, 29-28 Brown, 29-28 Dong-Hyun Kim)

Oh great…I love interviews with people who can not speak English, while drunk southern fans boo the decision. A word of the wise, bring an interpreter that can speak better English than the person you are interpreting for. Joe Rogan is such a suck up: “I personally had you winning the decision, but it is subjective”. What fight was he watching. Does Joe Rogan wear anything clothing with some color?

Ok..Text voting…Iceman over Sugar 80% to 20%. Go figure.

Ah commercials..I thought I payed $45.00 to NOT see a bud light ad?

Match #2: Martin Kampmann vs Nate Marquardt.

Hmm, I really with they would lose the “fighting in the rain” promo shots. I am also pretty sure Martin Kampmann is the illegitimate brother of Mirko “Cro-cop”. They look the same. Wonder if Martin can take a better leg to a head shot than Cro-crop.

Good times. Nate is coming out to O’Fortuna. More Vaseline please. I know the big Zappos logo across his crotch makes me want to rush on line and buy some shoes… Martin is coming out to some rap song I never heard, that I am sure everyone else will reply to me and know. Oh wait. It is Eminem. There is a shocker. A white fighter coming out to an Eminem song. Oh goodie…His crotch says GunsAmerica.com . Sounds safe and legit. Ok..Blah Blah Blah intro…Tale of the tape…Wow, Mario Yamisaki is pulling a double header. Oh well…Here we go.

Round #1: Ohhhh condom depot as on the ass. Guns on the front, condoms in the rear…Big right hand by Martin. HUGE right head kick by Nate and to Martins head, and stunned him. Guess that answers the Cro-cop question. Knee to the face. Martin is stumbling. Now running away with his hands up. He is done. Nate just destroyed him like a little kid. Unloaded like 12 shots and an upper cut.

Winner: Nate “The Great” Marquardt via KO (or a billion punches to the face)

Wow, that dude can ramble about nothing in an interview…Oh and he can do a gay little dance after. And of course the “he my buddy won his fight” pose with his corner in the ring.

As Miguel Torres (Bantham Weight) and Uriah Faber (Light Weight), both WEC champions are ring side, since their fights got canceled due to the hurricane or something.

Ok, next fight is Dan Henderson vs some dude with a really long name or Rousimar Palhares as he is called.

Match #3: Dan Henderson vs Rousimar Palhares

Ahh funny. Rousimar Palhares who does not speak a lick of English is coming out to LL Cool Js new song. They then plug the song, album, and release date. Hmm wonder who slipped who some money. I don’t why, but I have the feeling that Dan Henderson is taking his last walk down the UFC isle. Funny. They just said he has a “lot of fight left in him”. Wow, they hung a Spencers (you know, the place you go when you are 13 to look at “adult stuff”) banner behind Henderson. Wonder if they gave him a free “Over the hill” cane with a horn on it. You know what I am talking about..Blah blah Blah..Wow Buffer had to work to say Rousimar Palhares in one breathe. They could say Dan Henderson is a former baby killer and the crowd would still go crazy. Herb Dean is ready to go..

Round #1: Lots of dancing (or feeling each other out as they call it). Wow, my baby dropped her bink, I bent down to get it. I come up and Rousimar Palhares is on the ground getting pounded. But..he is back up now. Another right. Oh Rousimar Palhares throws a “wheel” kick that pretty much looks like a move from Breaking II (elctric boogaloo). Nice to see both fighters wearing shorts that come to their knee. Huge uppercut drops Rousimar Palhares (thank god for cut and paste). Rousimar Palhares is back up. I just notice Rousimar Palhares looks like a buff Luiz Guzman. Both guys are rolling around now with 10 seconds to go. I think I would be a jerk and try to smack the mat at like 15 seconds instead of 10 to mess the other fighter up. Round over, I give it to Dan Henderson.

Round #2: Some dancing around. Rousimar Palhares wants to shoot and get it on the ground and Henderson wants to stay up. Rousimar Palhares has top on Henderson (who is in guard). Rousimar Palhares had a heel hook on Henderson. That almost made me vomit. Henderson punches his way out of it. Henderson stuffs some take-downs attempts and lands a few rights. Kind of boring. Ok..Dean is standing them up. Some good rights by Dan. Round is over. It is a very close round with some takedowns, slam, and heel hook. Some good rights by Dan. I give the round to Rousimar Palhares.

Round #3: Feeling each other out. Right hook by Hendo. Knee by Rousimar Palhares. How does a stand-up comic and game show host become an MMA expert and announcer? Sometimes I can only take Rogan in small doses. Wow..I am falling asleep. Both know they won a round and are afraid to lose it. During this slow period in the fight I would like to inform everyone that Rousimar Palhares is pronounced: Rouse A Meer Paul Harris. Thought you would all like to know that. Rousimar Palhares gets a takedown, Dan gets outs. Ok, that line I just typed, read it again. The same thing just happened. HUGE right hand. Round over. I give the round to Henderson. Should be hi first UFC win in like 10 years.

Winner: Dan Henderson via unanimous decision (30-27,30-27,29-28)

Randy Couture is on..”Blah Blah..Want to beat Brock. Will be a tough fight..Blah Blah”. Don’t get me wrong. I love Randy. I just hate the on the spot “interviews”. Big Boi (Outkast) is there, sitting next to Rampage. Ok..We have a prelim match that they are gonna air now.

Match #4: Tim Boestch vs. Mike Patt.

Boetch is a Pa boy (pretty local), so I have to root for him. I am just not so such jeet-kun-do is that way to go in MMA. Patt has 16 wins with 11 coming in the first round. Black belt under George Grugel (TUF 3) and Rich Franklin camp. Yeah! More Vaseline. Boetsch looks more comfortable. Ok..Herb Dean again..Ready to go.

Round #1: Big right by Tim. Both throwing random punches and kicks. BIG right hand my Tim. Mike is down. Mike is getting to taste Tim’s leather about 8 times. Beating him like a read headed step child.

Winner: Tim “The Barbarian” Boetsch by KO.

Commercial…..Blah blah blah “UFC 89″ and “UFC 90″. This is like watching pro-wrestling.

Match #5 (Co-Main Event): Rich Franklin vs. Matt Hammill

I am curious to see if Rich shows up with the permanent black eye thing going. I love Matt Hammil and think it is great that a person with a disability (hearing impaired) can fight in the UFC. I just hate the interviews. I almost feel bad. Then I remember he can kick my ass, so who cares. I can not do a prediction on this fight. They are both in my top 10 favorite fighters of all time (and yes I know Hammill is new). Guess what time it is..Vaseline time! Rich does is right. Coming down to AC DC. Yep..Rich looks like he fought already. His face is what I like to call “pre-mangled Awww, they are friends. So their corners are all waiving to each other..Blech. Ok, time for Bruce, dont call me Michael, Buffer to make his money….And Mario Yamsaki is back…

Round #1: Back and forth with no one really landing anything. NIce right by Hammill. Rich is cut. Or he scratched his face and his old battle wounds opened up. Bunch of leg kicks by Franklin. Rich is really trying to make sure Matt can not take him down. Hammil gets the take down. Rich goes for an arm bar. Hamill is now cut. Rich is back up. Knee and hook by Franklin. round one is over. I give it to Rich, but a damn good fight so far.

Rich has a pretty nasty cut under his eyebrow.

Round #2: Couple of good shots by Hammill. Nice knee and kicks by Rich. Rich lost a HUGE junk of skin at his eye..Pretty nasty. Does not seem to effect Rich though. Big head kick to Matt. Oh, Rich went for an inside leg kick and got Hammill square in the franks and beans. Thank god for those cups. All is ok. Package is back in place. Rich is picking apart Hammill now. Kicks and punches. More dirty blocking by both. round over. This round goes to Rich. It is now his fight to lose.

Round #3: Kicks by Rich. Knee by Franklin. BIG body kick by Rich right to the breadbasket. Matt is down, Rich pounding on top. Match is over. Ref steps in to stop.

Winner: Rich “Ace” Franklin by KO.

I hope to see these two fight. They alone were worth the $50. Easily two of the classiest fighters in the UFC. Rich looks good at the higher weight level.

OK…Hyping up the Chuck fight. Good, no reall crap and promos. Going right to the entries.

Fight #6 (Co-Main event): Chuck Lidell vs. Rashad Evans.

OH..Looks like someone has a new stat program. So Rashad has a 60% takedown rate. Lidell has an 85% takedown defense. Something has to give. Final votes are in 81% says Iceman will win. 19% say Suger. Ah, I was wrong. Here some all the damn promos. They always say the same thing. “Im gonna knick his ass out and leave the winner..” Ok, entrance time. Dean of Mean Keith Jardine is in the corner for Evans. Oh, so is Nate (I won already tonight) Marquadt. Ok, time for Chuck now…Wow..lights go out and crowd goes crazy. No doubt who this crowd will be behind. Chuck looks like he is pissing fire. He also looks like he is in the best shape ever. Ok, last time for the Vaseline. And we are ready to go (well, Bruce Buffer will do his thing). P.S. Chucks trainer Jon Eckelman looks like a bad MF’er too. Oh nice..Evan is literally playing with his nipples. I dont know if he is joking or honestly trying to make them hard. Oh yeah..He is getting boo’ed during intros too.

Round #1: Dancing around. Stalking each other..Not much going on. Nice shot by Chuck. Body kick by Evans. Shot by Lidell. Very slow round so far. Chuck has a mouse under his eye and a small cut, no one knows where it came from. Round over. I give it to Chuck.

Round #2: evans show boating as usual. Couple of good shots by Evans. A few by Chuck. Evans is tagging him a few times. Confidence is up. Evans jsut KNOCKED out Chuck Lidell COLD. I MEAN FLAT OUT SMELLING SALTS COLD. He is still out. WOW! OH MY GOD. I have to give props. Man. 3 minutes and Chuck is still out. Man..As a huge Iceman fan…I am shocked..And sad. I hope he does not walk away after this..Actually a good interview by Rashad.

Winner: Rashad Evans.

Until next time, you have been blessed by the Mickulz.

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