GeekFest 2009: 10 Reasons NOT to Kill Yourself Before Next Year
If you’re the average Sci-Fi, Video Game, Movie, Comic Book geek (like us) you’re going to be sitting alone in your one room apartment on New Years Eve re-bagging all your original issues of Secret Wars, organizing your 3rd generation VHS tapes of Space 1999, and repairing your Spock ears all while trying to figure out whether to bring a toaster to the bathtub January 1st or take one last shot at trying not to hit 35 without getting laid.
FEAR NOT! We would like you give you, the hard working, hard living geek 10 Uber-cool reasons NOT to kill yourself yet. In 2009 there are some awesome things coming that geeks like us should be looking forward to help get through one more miserable year of life.
1 — Watchmen
After over a decade of starts, stops, rights issues, countless scripts and directors, the movie based on the acclaimed graphic novel by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons is going to hit the big screen with director Zack Snyder at the helm. As of now, everything seems to be in place to give the fans what they want. The first teaser hit a few months back and captured some breathtakingly accurate moods and images from the graphic novel making even some of the most skeptical geeks start to foam at the mouth. Closet geeks no longer have to lock their dorm room door to crack open their sticky copy of the Watchmen graphic novels to masturbate to Silks Spectre when they can now masturbate to Malin Akerman as Silk Spectre right there in the privacy of fifth row center.
Oddly enough, the second trailer that followed was somewhat less impressive than the initial teaser, but that’s probably just our geek radar and paranoia kicking into overdrive. I mean, it’s hard not to get a little nervous after seeing long awaited film adaptations of properties like the Fantastic Four fall so short of geek coolness.
Seeing how this thing turns out should be a blast either way. Come on, seeing Doctor Manhattan pop that guy on the battlefield and The Comedian wield that flamethrower with joy had to give you just a bit of a geekish chill!
Watchmen is scheduled to open March 6th 2009.
2 — Battlestar Galactica Finale and Caprica
So often, television shows outlive their usefulness. Great shows tend to die slow and ugly deaths. Think X-Files. Think Moonlighting. Hell, even think Happy Days, the television show that originated the new cult term “jump the shark.” Galactica has been one of the most incredibly intense, well-written, well acted and intriguing shows on television for the past four years. Though fans get hot and cold as the show takes new directions that they don’t want it to go, it really is pretty much as good as it’s ever been right now and it’s going out on top of it’s game.
The entire series has played out just enough of it’s cards at this point that it can end before it starts to become too heavy under it’s own weight The final 10 episodes of Galactica are set to begin unfolding in January building to what is promising to be a tear-jerking finale. Who fraks who in the end? Who is the final Cylon? All great questions, not to mention it all leads into Caprica, the Galactic prequel series that is set to debut in 2010, just one more thing for the Galactica geek to use to justify existing for a further year. Seriously, can any Galactica fan worth his or her salt leave this Earth before finding out how bad Caprica could potentially suck?
The Battlestar Galactica finale is tentatively scheduled to air March 20th, 2009.
3 — X-Men Origins: Wolverine
The first X-Men film was perhaps one of the biggest comic book longshots of all time. Most X-Fans were skeptical that any live action treatment of the material would be difficult if not impossible to pull off. Surprisingly, it was pretty damned good. Even more surprisingly, the second X-Men film was even better. Unfortunately, X-Men 3 ended up being not only very mediocre, but a huge kick in the balls to fans by completely destroying all key established continuity with the comic books.
A huge component in the success of the franchise, however, was due to the out-of-left-field casting of Hugh Jackman as the beloved Wolverine. It was a happy accident for Jackman and the fans that he got the role, a last minute replacement for Dougray Scott, originally cast, who had to bow out because the film he was working on at the time, Mission Impossible II went way over schedule. Dougray Scott can now live out his days wondering what might have been. As Jackman’s stock has skyrocketed from the X-Men films, people are passing on Mission Impossible 2 in the Wal-Mart $5.00 bins. Now hardcore fans of Wolverine may get their chance to see the character break free from the X-Men and see him finally put those claws to some serious work. As good as Jackman was in the first three films, we never did get to see Wolvie really cut loose, so to speak, and do some hardcore blade raping. Maybe now is our chance.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine is scheduled to open May 1st, 2009.
4 — J.J. Abrams Star Trek
Personally, I’m the kind of geek that should be appalled by this assault waiting to happen on the Star Trek Universe. I grew up with reruns of the original Star Trek. In the late 1970s in my highly flammable pajamas with footies I unwrapped my Star Trek Bridge playset with full size Spock and Kirk figures. I was one happy go lucky Star Trek nerd.
It took me two full seasons to finally decide that Next Generation was okay even if Shatner was still THE MAN. However, the facts remain, the franchise is as close to dead as you can get. Enterprise and Voyager were pretty much “bleh.” The last two movies, Insurrection and Nemesis would barely be acceptable as regular season two-parters.
The last several years of Star Trek make me feel reminiscent of a famous quote of Lt. Whorf from one of the final seasons of Next Gen: “I am not a merry man!” So in this case, an all out reboot is a reasonable solution. I’ll get fried for saying this, but I really can’t think of anyone better to do this than JJ Abrams. Yes, he’s earned a strange reputation in the business over the years, but there’s one thing that I really like about him: his goal is to entertain his audience. And he generally does a pretty damned good job of it.
There are a lot of other good reasons to start getting excited if you’re a Star Trek fan. One is that the casting of Zachary Quinto from Heroes as Spock is dead on. Simon Pegg as Scotty is exciting as hell, and Nimoy is coming back into the fold as old Spock to tie this new film into the old series continuity.
It’s going to be a hard row to hoe, but I’m thinking it can be done. What finally convinced me that this can work is the first full trailer from November. The look, the feel, the excitement. It felt like Star Trek. You had Kirk and Spock interacting on a visceral and emotional level, lots of shooting and explosions. Shit ya, Star Trek could rock again! Count me in!
Star Trek is scheduled to open May 8th, 2009.
5 — Ghostbusters: The Video Game
Ghostbusters (1984) is one of the greatest movies of all time, hands down: Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd when they were both still funny most of the time; Rick Moranis before he became a recluse; Sigourney Weaver at her hottest. Even Ernie Hudson’s value to this classic is huge if not still underestimated to this day. It contains some of the most memorable moments and oft-quoted quips in the history of cinema. If you’re between 30 and 40 it’s probably a beloved memory either from the theater or through countless turns of the VHS machine. It’s even one of those films that you can make your kids watch and they actually end up liking, mainly because the humor is timeless goofiness.
Of course, it was followed up by the not terrible but still disappointing Ghostbusters II in 1989. It still had a handful of great moments and lines, but wasn’t the complete package that G1 was. For years writer and star Harold Ramis (Egon Spangler in the flick) has been hot and cold about the possibility of a third installment. At the moment, it’s still a slight “on again” even with people the likes of Seth Rogan being attached to a script. And of course, there’s always been that eccentric Bill Murray who always shuffles around commitments of a sequel nature (unless it’s the hairball inducing Garfield).
The story had been that the “official” Ghostbusters 3 was going to come in the form of a video game. Help us, God. Usually, very little has a worse stench than a movie property based video game title, but apparently, this may be something special. It’s not actually going to be Ghostbusters 3 anymore (if it ever really was) and is just Ghostbusters: The Video Game. And in fairness, it’s a movie that is ripe for a quality video game treatment that it’s never had. The Nintendo, Atari, etc versions were mostly all terrible (Google the Angry Video Game Nerd for an excellent assessment of the sordid history of Ghostbusters video games).
The thing that makes this a little more exciting to movie/sci-fi geeks is that they’ve reunited the entire core cast to do the voices for it: Murray, Ramis, Aykroyd etc… There’s one addendum to this game that also makes it even a little more cool. Bill Murray has allegedly now come out and said that he got so much enjoyment from doing the game voiceovers that he feels that he’s ready to do an honest to God Ghostbusters 3 if Ramis and crew can make good on this current half-assed greenlit status the project has. If the only way I can relive the utter coolness that was the first time I watched the original Ghostbusters is to play a kick as looking new Ghostbusters game on 360 (or Wii or PS3) than I’m in.
“Let’s show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!”
Ghostbusters: The Video Game is scheduled for release in June, 2009.
6 — New U.S. President
Even though I did not vote for John McCain for president, I can say without hesitation that had he been elected, I would still be a significantly happier person on January 21st, 2009 than I am today. For the duration of George W. Bush’s two terms, the United States and the world has had to endure one of the most outlandishly bad Presidents in history. So, for the past 8 years we have had to sit back and watch Mr. Bush and crew gang rape the Constitution, Science Education, basic Civil Rights, the Environment, and the English Language…the list goes on. As comedian and political commentator Bill Maher so eloquently put it, how bad did it have to get that the average American would weigh their choices and say “hey, a black guy with a Muslim name doesn’t sound so bad…” In any case, that’s really as political as I want to get in this article. Why is this good for geeks? Well, I think a Bushless White House is probably a positive for just about anyone on the planet right now. One piece of weird trivia: there has been no winning Republican Presidential Ticket in this country since the 1920’s that didn’t have a Bush or a Nixon on the ticket.
The Inauguration of President “Anybody but ‘W’” is scheduled for January 20th, 2009.
7 — BioShock 2: Sea of Dreams
As an online multiplayer whore, even though I suck at most console games online, one of the last things on my Christmas list is ANY single player only First Person Shooter. However, last years Bioshock was a notably incredible exception. Built on the solid as a rock Unreal Engine, the game looked stunning, had a phenomenally cool Ayn Randish/Steam Punk atmosphere, and is one of the most critically acclaimed (and deservedly so) video games of the past decade. Set in an alternative history 1960s, we are introduced to a world where genetic engineering has given humans incredible abilities, but with a horrific consequences.
Publisher Take Two Interactive finally announced that Bioshock 2: Sea of Dreams will follow up this blockbuster. Xbox 360, PS3 and PC owners can start installing bedpans and beer coolers in their couches and desk chairs now so they don’t have take potty breaks between collecting their next Plasmid upgrades. No exact release date yet, but Take Two definitely wants the game on shelves before next Christmas.
BioShock 2: Sea of Dreams is scheduled for release in Q3 of 2009.
8 — Digital TV
While the Federal Government certainly can find some way to fuck this whole thing up, we are finally going to 100% digital TV in the United States. We’ve been talking about this for almost 20 years, being “just around the corner.” Even in the early 90s when I was getting my degree in Telecommunications it was going to be definite “any time.” Maybe this isn’t true “Geek” meltdown material, but it’s actually pretty cool. If there’s any reason to keep your miserable life going for this little tidbit happening in February it will be to see the utter chaos it is going to create among the senior crowd who spent the entire decade of the 80s with their VCRs flashing 12:00. We could have a DTV type of Y2K panic. Should be interesting. Can you imagine a large percentage of the TVs in the United States all going black simultaneously? Wow that would be cool as long as it’s not mine.
It at least will be the final nail in the coffin for any shitty arguments your wife or girlfriend have been giving you about not getting an HDTV yet. If you don’t have one, get a flippin’ HDTV set for chrissakes. For those still wallowing in the pit of non-HD, just trust the rest of us: LIFE IS BETTER WITH A LARGE SCREEN HDTV. Admittedly, a digital TV doesn’t have to be High Def, by why the hell mess with that?
The Drop Dead Date for Analog Television is February 17th, 2009.
9 — Land of the Lost
What we have with the Land of of the Lost movie is the perfect storm for translating a beloved television property to the big screen.
This list should tell you why this film can not fail:
• It’s a movie about dinosaurs.
• The original Land of the Lost was beloved by many young future geeks including me.
• The original Land of the Lost was an utterly awful, terrible program but we loved it anyway.
• There is virtually nothing they could insert into that film to make it worse than the original TV show.
• Under controlled laboratory conditions, Will Ferrell has been proven to occasionally induce laughter.
Interesting trivia side note to this movie: Will Ferrell’s first real “breakthrough” film role during the Saturday Night Live era was in Kevin Smith’s Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Ferrell is playing the father, Marshall in Land of the Lost. In Jay and Silent Bob, he played a Federal Wildlife Marshall called Marshall Willenholly, which was Kevin Smith’s cute nod to the original Land of the Lost, the three main characters were Marshall, Will and Holly:
Marshall, Will, and Holly
On a routine expedition
Met the greatest earthquake ever known.
High on the rapids
It struck their tiny raft.
And plunged them down a thousand feet below.
To the Land of the Lost…To the Land of the Lost
…To the Land of the Lost. ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
This movie is sure to be a 70s Saturday Morning Geek Meltdown. Bring on the Sleestacks!
Land of the Lost is scheduled to open June 5th 2009.
10 — Deviant Knowledge
In 2009, DeviantKnowledge.com is certainly going to double it’s readership possibly into the dozens. Why does that matter? Because then you can come back here to bitch, moan and make slurs against all the people responsible for turning all the great geekgasm inducing things on the above list into totally disappointing pieces of dogshit. Hell, EVERYBODY goes to aintitcoolnews.com to bitch about this stuff, why not throw your emotionally charged opinions out somewhere else for a change?
The First Rule of Deviant Knowledge Club is
YOU MUST TELL EVERYONE ABOUT DEVIANT KNOWLEDGE CLUB.
Technorati 
Del.icio.us 
StumbleUpon 
Digg 
Facebook 
Mixx 
Reddit
Tags: Battlestar Galactica, Bioshock, Sci-Fi, Star Trek, Unreal Engine, Watchmen
If you enjoyed this post, please consider to leave a comment or subscribe to the feed and get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
5 Responses to “GeekFest 2009: 10 Reasons NOT to Kill Yourself Before Next Year”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:30 am
I was on Yahoo and found your blog. Read a few of your other posts. Good work. I am looking forward to reading more from you in the future.
Tom Stanley
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:39 am
A friend of mine just emailed me one of your articles from a while back. I read that one a few more. Really enjoy your blog. Thanks
December 22nd, 2008 at 8:20 am
Awesome comments guys, very happy to have ya.
Nice read btw, Scuzz. I have been watching the Ghostbusters game and am cautiously optimistic. I really think it has a chance to be great but I don’t want to jinx it either.
Bioshock was a great experience to me because it was an incredibly environment that was pretty much believeable.
December 22nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
First, I need to apologize for the political content, but I’ve been busting my head to find an excuse to use that classic (and ABSOLUTELY real) photo of Bush taken at Thanksgiving last year.
Thanks for the kind words. This really could turn out to be a banner year for geekdom.
December 28th, 2008 at 10:20 am
[...] Scuzzbuster’s earlier assertion that you shouldn’t off yourself before 2009, one of his reasons may no longer be enough to [...]