Crank: High Voltage: Gratuitous Violence, Outlandish Erotica, and Something to Offend Everyone!
It’s been a while since I walked out of a movie feeling like I needed a shower, but Crank: High Voltage seemed to do the trick this time. I’m not sure what draws me in to a sequel to a film I never saw based on a trailer that looks utterly ridiculous. The fact is, though, that as outrageous as the trailer looks, it doesn’t even begin to tell the story of a movie as far out and crazed as Crank 2. Is that a good thing?
As stated, I didn’t see the first installment of this saga, but my understanding is that is picks up the story immediately at the end of the first. I think that would be a rather generous assessment, since there’s really no story here beyond what you already know from sitting through the trailers. Jason Statham plays Chev Chelios. He’s some type of professional killer. Either a hired hit man, a spy or whatever. It doesn’t really matter. The only thing you need to know from the outset is that he is some sort of ass-kicking sonuvabitch who fell out of a helicopter and immediately has his heart removed and replaced with a temporary artificial model designed to keep him alive just long enough to be able to harvest the rest of his organs.
As you may have guessed, when he wakes up with a plastic ticker in his chest and a battery pack he’s not happy and immediately begins killing anyone and everyone that stands between him and his heart, which is apparently being toted around Los Angeles on it’s way to being transplanted into an old Asian mob boss. Within the first few minutes, he destroys the external battery pack and a back alley surgeon friend of his (Dwight Yoakam) tells him that the only thing he can really do to keep the plastic electrical ticker moving is to continuously infuse his body with any type of electrical charge he can, whether it’s a car cigarette lighter, a taser gun, or the static electricity generated by rubbing against other people.
Think this is hard to believe? The premise is nothing compared to what the film is asking the audience to swallow into the third act. The good news is that at no stage of this game does the film take itself seriously in the slightest. I think the best description of the events tht unfold on the screen and how the director, writer and editor has pieced this together is a cross between classic Looney Toons shorts and the Grand Theft Auto video games.
I would hesitate to describe the film as gratuitous vehicle for sex and violence because if you were to take out the gratuitous sex and violence there would be nothing left. There’s absolutely no story beyond what you’ve seen in the trailers and what I’ve described above. And as I much as I hate to admit it, it works.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely no redeeming qualities to the film whatsoever. It’s a high-paced blood fest filled with some of the most outrageous scenes of senseless violence you will ever see, tons of nudity, shocking public displays of fornication and as many bare breasts as you’re likely to see in any mainstream film release this year.
Just when you think you’re going to get a little breather from the breakneck pace, you’re suddenly being treated to innocent by-standers being used as human shields in gunfights, Asian prostitutes being hit by vehicles moving at high speeds and nipples being sheered off with boning knives. No, I’m not kidding.
When the film is not bleeding all over the place and playing ping pong between depraved acts of violence , erotic images, blatant vulgarity and jokes that make fun of people with physical disabilities and depraved fetishes, Crank 2 will suddenly take a detour out of the story for cutaway scenes reminiscent of a Family Guy pop-culture references, blaring up-front winks at the audience to let you know that the filmmakers are just out to have a blast making a ridiculous movie.
If there’s any real disappointment, it’s the horrendously bad CG effects work in the final moments of the film. I won’t go into any detail but it’s some stunningly bad effects work that you can almost swallow as part of the joke, but not quite.
I have to admit, I actually had a lot of fun watching this film and it’s perked my interest up enough to hunt down the original Crank, though I’m not expecting to a see a moment in the original that’s going to enhance the experience of Crank 2.
It’s akin to a hazy Friday night out with the guys that you’re destined to wake up from with a massive hangover and vomit covered shoes. As bad and ashamed of yourself as you may feel the next morning, you’ll still look back on it with a bit of a guilty smile and a fond memory.
If you choose to go out on a date with Crank: High Voltage, be prepared to leave common sense or logical thinking at home and be sure to go to the theater on an empty stomach, because you’re going to be asked to swallow a ton of ridiculous leaps. In addition to that, if you get a bit queezy at the sight of bodily fluids or blood, that’s yet another reason to hit the flick without having too much in your stomach that’s likely to come back up before the end of this batshit crazy film. If nothing else, I certainly admire the completely crazed tone at which this movie was tackled. Love it or hate it, it’s not the type of movie you’re likely to soon forget.
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5 Responses to “Crank: High Voltage: Gratuitous Violence, Outlandish Erotica, and Something to Offend Everyone!”
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April 20th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Haha, that sounds like a pretty great movie. It’s been a while since I’ve watched something that was just there to entertain. I think it’s great when a film can laugh at itself and relay that to the audience.
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:32 am
I planned on seeing this film but never got around to it. I own the first movie and thought it was a pretty decent film to sit through. Shit, I thought it was pretty amusing watching the shit he went through.
The basic gist of it, without giving anything away, is that he was a hitman that was poisoned in his sleep in the beginning of the film and in order to remain alive he needs to keep his adrenaline going. He gets into all sorts of crazy shit.
If you enjoyed HV, you’ll most likely enjoy the first Crank.
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I had thought that the first one was a remake of DOA, but it sounds like it’s a little different. DOA was a 1950s flick about a guy that gets tagged with a slow acting poison with no cure giving him 24 hours to solve his own murder before he croaks. It was remade in the 80s with Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan. In both the original and the remake the guy ends up biting it in the end after solving the crime. Sounds like he beats the poison and gets tossed from a helicopter in Crank.
April 24th, 2009 at 10:59 am
He beats the poison in a sense that he “dies” and reappears in the second installment. He was fucked throughout the movie, tbqh. It was a great watch, albeit considerably off the wall.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I just got the Bluray of the original Crank in the mail today via Netflix. I’m going to check it later this week.