2012! Roland Emmerich’s Bold Statement: Better Make it the Small Coke at the Concession Stand.
First, before I even broach the subject of the movie itself, I have to say I have a slight ethical problem with the marketing of the film. It’s a minor nag but I have a serious issue with anything that deliberately feeds on the gullibility of the public at large, and the “2012” baloney that has been floating around pop culture since Erich Von Däniken’s Chariots of the Gods in the late 1960s is just kind of silly. First and foremost, if you’re a Von Däniken follower and are looking to 2012 as Hollywood’s last laugh on what we’re in for, look elsewhere. While the movie refers a couple of times to the alleged Mayan prophecy, it’s all just a tent peg to let Roland Emmerich destroy the world. I can dig that. I’m down with death, destruction and general mayhem. But how long does it take the world to end anyway?
Before I go any further, if you are continuing to buy freeze dried army rations while decking out your underground bunker for the end of the world in two Christmases, do some reading. Critically, this time. There IS no Mayan prophecy. The entire thing is hyped up silliness based on the Mayan calendar cycle of a thousand years or so. There have been many cycles in the Mayan calendar and there’s no Mayan texts claiming that the cycle ending 2012 has any special meaning. The 2012 fear mongering is a bit like claiming that Hallmark has accurately predicted the world will end next month because the calendar they sold you doesn’t continue past December 31st.
There’s no celestial alignment or anything else happening in 2012 that hasn’t happened many times before. Get over it. These doomsday predictions are kind of a good thing when they come and go, because even the most gullible or fearful of the masses tend to realize over their lifetimes that when the 2nd or third dozen batch of doomsday prophecies in their lifetime fail to come true, there’s probably not much to worry about.
Now that’s out of the way, I can honestly say that love him or hate him, the end of the world probably couldn’t fall into any better hands than Roland Emmerich. I know he’s one of those “Hate ‘em or don’t admit publicly that you like him” filmmakers. But he’s one of those big budget blockbuster makers that is really just out to entertain people. He’s not out to change the world, just make a few bucks and give a couple of thrills. I loved Independence Day for all it’s silliness. Even Godzilla, while not great, was unfairly maligned. It really wasn’t any worse than any of the other few dozen Toho Godzilla films. It just lacked the silly fun of the man in the suit.
That being said, 2012 had a whole lot of cool things to look at. We get a handful of cameos, but if you’ve seen one or two of the trailers, you’ve seen pretty much everything it has to offer. The human story is there but packs no real punch. Really, you don’t give much of a crap about anyone or anything in the film.
It seems that Emmerich’s goal was to simply take every disaster movie ever made and jam them all together in one big messy bag. Did you like Titanic? Emmerich gives you a whole disaster plot on a cruise ship. Like the Airport movies? Great! There’s a ton of airplane disaster sequences. Like seeing Emmerich’s trademark destroying the White House? You got it! Wanna see Woody Harrelson get taken out by a molten mountain landing on top of him, it’s all right here in 2012.
But don’t think that it’s just a retread of disaster sequences glued together with great special effects. That’s right, every single disaster movie cliché in the history of cinema is also jammed in this package. Every family tragedy, every heartless government bureaucrat, every silly idealist, every unnecessary self-sacrifice—it’s all there. Oddly enough, in my cantankerous plummet toward middle-aged, I found myself agreeing with the heartless government bureaucrat, who, while making seemingly heartless decisions really was the one making the right decisions even if they were for the wrong reasons. But that’s not all–don’t forget about rich people who end up making heartless decisions to save themselves only to redeem themselves, only to prove themselves evil and selfish again, only to once again make a valiant self sacrifice. Let’s not forget about the woman who endangers her own life and possibly the future of the human race to save her dog. Not just any dog, though, but one those dinky, genetic mutant mutts that had natural selection taken its course would never have existed in nature.
It’s all a bit silly, but that’s okay. I can deal with the lack of depth, the clichés, the one or two momentary shots that even in 21st century Hollywood look suspiciously like miniatures. The real problem with this movie for me was the agonizing 2 hour and 38 minute run time. Ladies and gentleman, this movie is ridiculously long. Had this clocked in somewhere between 1 hour 20 or even 1 hour 40 I would be giving Mr. Emmerich a figurative pat on the back for an outstanding piece of popcorn entertainment. 
However, it’s about the 1 hour and 30 minute mark that you start to ask yourself how much longer this can possibly go on. By 1 hour and 45 minutes there’s a consistent stream of movie patrons leaving and coming back to their seats. At 1 hour and 55 minutes I start to realize that I could squeeze in an entire episode of Lost before this monstrosity of a flick is over. It was at this point that the diet coke finally caught up with me, and just as the film’s third exciting plane crash was about to happen, I snuck out to use the restroom. That’s okay, the plane was STILL crashing when I got back.
It’s quite an accomplishment that to make a film that not only seems to last forever, but agonizingly manages to drag out for 20 minutes past the end of the world. The emotional climax of the film comes so long after you stop caring that even if there had been anything beyond a paint-by-numbers drama at the heart of the special effects it would have long outworn it’s welcome. Early in the film, we see one of John Cusack’s character complaining about having to pack pull-ups for his 7-year old daughter, but by the time Act 3 of 2012 is underway diapers started to seem like a pretty good idea. Either that or just skipping the diet coke altogether.
I would love be able to end this review by saying this would have been a much better film had it ended about 20 minutes 12 seconds sooner, but that would be very optimistic. You’ll be long over it by then. So here’s my recipe for liking 2012. Come about 20 minutes late (that’s 30 minutes after show time. Build the 10 minutes of previews in). Take a 15 minute break to head out to the video games about the time the president decides to stay in Washington, then leave about 5 minutes after the world ends and just trust that it has a happy ending. I swear the entire theater was literally at the exit before the first end credit faded. I assume it was Emmerich’s name, but it was playing to the back of my head as I was stepping over handicapped children and retirees to get to out faster.
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2 Responses to “2012! Roland Emmerich’s Bold Statement: Better Make it the Small Coke at the Concession Stand.”
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November 16th, 2009 at 11:09 am
No, the world is obviously not going to end in 2012. That’s just fictionalized nonsense. What WILL happen is the return of the alien consortium as their invasion plans finally conclude and they come to Earth to enslave and colonize.
Totally true. They said so in The X-Files.
November 16th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
That’s old news. Now David Icke’s consistent stream of books about how all the key world leaders are actually lizards dressed as human is the straw that breaks the conspiracy’s back. Honest! He really believes this! I guess “V” is now officially a documentary.